Is it really irrational, or just a mass of unstable emotion waiting to be sorted and identified?  My only constant fear anymore is of bugs and I can put that aside if I have to.  My deeper fears of loneliness, death, and darkness seem pale.  Perhaps I'm growing immune, perhaps I'm grwoing ignorant- or perhaps I'm just numbing to the world.  I feel more.  I feel like this is justified.  Perhaps loss would make me feel more cautious, or perhaps it would be just another pain to bear and overcome on Time's slow plodding donkey.  Either which way, I'm learning, growing, perhaps even wisening up. 

Universe, please grant me patience to accept life for what it is, and ambition to change it in the hope to make it better.  Although I do complain a lot and swing in my feelings, there's always a peace of me that loves being a part of you and I'm done with denying myself anymore.  Please live life through me as I live life through myself.  I hope someway somewhere my memories are recorded and given to someone else who can use them to see them from a grander picture than my limited eyes.  I feel like my life is full, and I am momentarily very content and satisfied with my lot.  Please guide me into make my faults more valuable, and my strengths more sharply honed.  I need a new focus, and I'd like to invite it in my life.  Please continue to be as you are, my live both deepens and broadens beyond my measure, which perhaps is why lately my emotions have been so bland....

Universe, Love Eternal; Honor Forever; My Blood in Thine.


-K.

To all the souls how walk the path unmarked, and get lost in eternity, knowing but not feeling the depth of our own inherent wisdom(s), I love you, because like you I cannot not find it in me to consistently love myself.

I've found myself asking myself, what is television to me? friends?  material wealth?  love?  life?  What is being to me?  I have no answer because I'm either entirely dispassionate or that deeply immersed.

What is my next obstacle?  What is the next marker?  The next learning?  I'm afraid I don't care, I'm just trying to find something to live for.  Sometimes I wonder if I should ask the Universe to die on someone else's behalf- someone who can enjoy and be happy with life more.  I just feel so slow and tired and old.  I'm ready to find something I can be more blissful about and if it's death than so be it.  If not, than perhaps it's time to invite horrible, pain-shifting change into my life again.  I don't want to, but I will, because my pain keeps others from bigger pains, and because I was born a child of sacrifice.  

Woe is me right?  A seeking invitation of fire and brimstone?  Go ahead, glare at me all that you want.   I'm too strong to cry, to give into self-pity without trying to create action first.  Try and deny me the truth, or even the honesty in what is written here.  I really don't give a shit, but I expect more out of this life and I feel like it's turning my desperate- like I'm going to have to risk more in order to get the results I want.  I'm afraid those fears will have to be challenged, addressed, run over, and phased out until there is even less for me to be afraid of.  So be it, if this is what life demands of me.  So be it.


-K.